Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Work Really Hard


I've come to the realization that I work way too hard. Now this isn't the normal thought most may have. What I mean is when I go to work, I work extremely hard to not do my job, as opposed to doing anything productive at all. 21232685The first thing I do when I get in is fire up my computer and try to figure out the first thing I want to do besides actual work. It really doesn't take any kind of effort to listen to people call in and bitch about this or that about their cell phones. And in all honesty, I could really give a fuck less anyways. Do I feel any remorse for them, or lose sleep? Fuck no! Hell I even caught myself staring at the ceiling counting tiles with someone rambling in my ear for 5 minutes about something. I really can't remember what they were even talking about. I just kept on with the normal "yeah...uh huh.....right.....oh my" standard bullshit to make them feel like their being listened to, and to some level perhaps even appreciated. The photo to the left was that exact moment today. And for the record, I counted 63 today.
So what do I actually do each day? Well, I spend a good part of the day playing on Twitter. It passes the time, and keeps me rather amused through the entire day. During this time, I make sure to put in time on either test messages or BlackBerry Messenger maintaining the regular lines of communication. Morning conversations usually consist of chats with @EricsTXGal trying to help her with killing her co-workers, or at least getting them fired. Here recently I even managed to be somewhat famous by fucking up @Candice_Jo's video blogs (completely unintentionally of course). Much appreciation on the plugs I got from her, instead of her threatening to kill me. Make sure to check out her blog here. This usually carries me into lunch, that sacred half way mark of the day.
Lunch is an interesting phenomenon all in it's own, as it's where I've realized that one...Chic-Fil-A employees either enjoy their fucking jobs way too much for minimum wage, or they're all high as fuck. I'm honestly going to vote for option 2, and I don't see how anyone could be content shoveling waffle fries as a career builder for less money than you could make on welfare rockin the government cheese. I'm willing to bet there's a shitload of X and lesbian orgies behind those doors to the back.
Lunchtime has also lead me to realize that old people are stalking me, and want to kill me. I haven't completely figured out why yet. Perhaps being the innovator of ignorance is working against me this time. It is entirely possible. I first thought it off when I went to Whataburger for lunch one day. They often flock there in the mornings for their coffee time, but never at noon. That's nap time, and you can't take that out of their routine. But there they were, and I realized I was the only one there under age 60 minus a couple of employees. I could feel them staring at me, and plotting my demise. Two days later I went to Taco Bell for lunch, which I assumed would be a safe location. They can't eat Taco Bell. Shit they can barely eat anything that doesn't come pre chewed in a jar. But there they were again, staring. Two of them tried to make their move on me when I finished eating, but my quick thinking saved the day. I pointed to the TV and said "Hey look.....it's the Wilford Brimley diabetes commercial!!" That bought me enough time to break the fuck outta there. I'm still planning my strike to retaliate. I will be avenged.
So lunch is over, and back to work. By this time I'm so hopped up on caffine to make it through the day I have a twitch at times and see those tracers in my eyes. Yes, I really am that caffine addicted. I still slowly plug away in the afternoons convincing people that zombies are real, and swineflu causes it. The easiest way I had to do it is when they changed the name to H1N1. Then I just worked it as the official "threat level" name the government uses when it became an obvious problem. I have 3 people now terrified to ever go to Mexico, and another who became a vegetarian over fear of bacon. I gotta give thanks to @thizgurl for helping me put the wheels into motion on that plan. Luckily afternoons pass pretty quickly as that's my mentally stimulating time of the day, and before I know it, it's time to go home to complete my day of raising hell on Twitter.