Monday, July 5, 2010

Dr. Icon: Helping you be a better YOU!

Welcome to the first installment of "Dr. Icon".  I had a random idea one day that I could change up things a bit, and make an attempt to try to help other people make their lives better.  Providing the success of this, I hope to do more segments and make more of a positive influence.  Feel free to email me any questions for help to nickthefnicon@gmail.com.
Dear Dr. Icon,

I host many casual backyard parties and invite my family as well as my husband's. My family always declines for one reason or another, even when they are the only ones invited -- so I have quit asking them to most of my gatherings because I'm always rejected.

When they get wind of a barbecue that we have had, they become offended that they weren't invited. I explained that because they always decline, I assumed they wouldn't be interested. Abby, must I continue to invite them so they can reject me?

Apparently you’re the only one missing the big picture here….your parents hate you.  They probably think every day about how mommy should have swallowed, or daddy should have bought the Plan B instead of “trying to get by with one”.

Don’t be upset though.  Plenty of kids are constant reminders of where their parents went wrong, and how they wish they hit the Planned Parenthood in the first 12 weeks.  Want a hug?

Dear Dr. Icon,

I am planning to marry the man of my dreams this August. Although his parents are wonderful, I'm a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life...particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé's laundry, cooks his lunches daily, and cleans his house. What do you think?

What the fuck is wrong with you?  Did you intentionally set out to get with the biggest pussy you could possibly find?  If so…mission accomplished.  Have fun living in his basement waiting for mommy to go to bingo so you can get some fuck time in.

Dear Dr. Icon,

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to give her. I want her to never forget the evening. Do you have any ideas?

Every woman wants something romantic, and that romance comes from a good drilling in the cornhole.

Take her out for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, get some wine, and have nice conversation with her.  Let her know she’s special, make her feel beautiful, etc.  Make sure she gets good and drunk, as this is key.

Take her home and dangle that bottle of Astro Glide in her face.  She’ll fall in love when she belly down biting the pillow while getting drilled in the pooper.

Dear Dr. Icon,

I am in a relationship and I don't trust my partner. We have been together almost 9 months and I am 8 months pregnant by him. I know that I really didn't take the time to know him. That was my fault I have fallen in love with him, but I don't know how to let him know that I don't trust him without being rude or mean about it. Can you help?

Well if you weren’t such a slut you wouldn’t be in this predicament would you?  So tell me, was he a new tenant in the trailer park, or that charming guy at the Horse Shoe Express bar that told you that you have a pretty mouth?

His only mistake was not wrapping it when he took a slut home.  I’d have trust issues with you considering how easy you are.

Dear Dr. Icon,

My father kicked me out of the car yesterday and told me to walk home. He said I was talking out of line. It took me all afternoon to get home. It was almost twelve miles. Now he won’t talk to me and the rest of the family is mad at me too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thanks for the laugh…I mean it.  I needed that.  Of all the shit I’ve seen parents do to discipline their kids, that is fucking EPIC!

It’s too bad he didn’t drop you off in south side so the homies could steal your shoes and then pass you around as a fuck toy.

Next time, shut your whore mouth.

Dear Dr. Icon,

My husband has Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler magazines in our house. I recently found our twelve-year-old son with one in his room. I took it away from him. But I am not sure about how to handle this. I really don't think they are good for him. My husband thinks I am overreacting.

Lady, your kid finally getting his balls to drop and jerking off until he wears the skin off his dick to some old Jenna Jameson pics is the least of your problems.  The boy is gonna find porn, and there ain’t shit you can do about it.  Let him have that instead of ending up with the sex crimes unit of the local P.D. from rubbing one off while staring through old women’s bedroom windows.  It will do us all a favor.

The big question is what the hell if wrong with you that your husband has all this shit in the first place?  Do you have deformed legs and the face of Kat Stacks?  Yeah, if you look like Kat Stacks, I’d encourage your husband to jerk off to other women too.

The point is to shut your mouth, be grateful your husband hasn't left you yet, and that your kid doesn't rape small animals because he hates you.

Dear Dr. Icon,

I am the mother of two grown sons both in college. I have been widowed for more than 12 years. My husband, John died in a terrible industrial accident. When he died I told the boys that Dad was hit on the head and died. My sister says I should sit them down and tell them all the details. She thinks I am awful not to have told them the truth. She says if I don’t tell them they won’t trust me and if I do tell them it will bring us closer.. I don’t want to do it, but I will if you think it is best for them.

Daddy hated his life, and killed himself at work instead of going one more day with a whore wife he hates and two bastard sons that he isn’t sure really are his.  And seeing as you’ve been a widow for 12 years now, it’s obvious no other man wants to walk into the same mistake that he did.

It doesn’t really matter at this point if you tell them.  Honestly, it’ll just reassure your kids that they’re fucking worthless and won’t amount to shit.  Daddy is in a happier place now.

Dear Dr. Icon,
I am a 28 year-old single professional woman with a successful career and I am financially well off.. I am also taking classes for a graduate degree. I love my career and I am a bookworm.

People assume that I have it all, and that I should be tremendously happy. In reality, I drive about 100-150 miles per day, have little free time, and am frequently so exhausted I just fall into bed at night. I have some casual friends I do things with, but I have no close friends.  I haven't dated in almost 3 years. I am considered attractive, but I don't normally spend a lot of time on my appearance.

How can I have it all yet have nothing? This isn't me, and I don't like my existence. It would be nice to just sit, talk, and laugh. When I do, it feels like I'm wasting time.  I feel like I'm 40.  Help!

Wow….what the fuck kind of daddy issues did you have as a kid to hate penis so much?  Usually with shit like that, you end up being a stripper with track marks between your toes.

The dreams of a boyfriend and relationship and all that other crap is cute.  But really, do you think it will work?  No, it won’t.  You’ll stay single, probably get pregnant from some random guy you drunk screwed in the back of a Honda, and your kids will grow to hate you.  Meanwhile, he’ll leave you 6 months into the pregnancy for some chick that works at the local Denny’s.

Dear Dr. Icon,

I  am 18 and a student.  I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since.  I have totally fallen for him.

We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy.  Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

Welcome to college!  What you need to realize is that those hung over walks of shame and hand jobs in bar bathrooms you have in store for you are the most affection you’re going to get for the next four years.

Dear Dr. Icon,

I have been dating a guy over the net.  We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it.  I am almost 16 and he is 18.

Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net.  I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend?  Please tell me what to do.

Kill yourself.  Now.  We don't need you breeding.

Dear Dr. Icon,

I am 15 going onto 16 and have never been kissed. It kind of scares me because all my friends and classmates have, and they have done even more than kissing. What should I do? Should I be worried? I am afraid I am too shy around guys and this could be why I have never experienced a kiss. I'm scared I will never get the chance to get kissed by somebody if I'm too shy

Jesus kid are you fucking physically deformed beyond repair, or a huge buffalo bitch that no one wants to be around?  Assuming you don’t look like a spawn of the hunchback of Notre Dame, you need to catch up.

Let’s face facts, if you’re worried about shit like this at your age, you’re destined to be a whore later in life.  Whiskey is the perfect cure for your shyness.  Before any social engagement, make sure to pre-game with at least three shots.  That should get you good and loose.  Maintain steady increments of alcohol throughout the night, and by the time the party is up, you’ll be ass up bent over some random guys couch getting railed from behind enjoying all that respect you’ll have from your peers the next day.