Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Little rules to follow when you need your computer fixed

This is just a little list of advice I thought I'd share for the next time you take your computer in to get worked on, from a guy who used to stand on the other site of that tech bench.  Following these guidelines will get you better results, and retain our sanity.  No, this list will never be complete....these are just thoughts off the top of my head.

Don't argue with the tech:  Let's get something quite clear first.  I'm the one who knows how to fix all the shit you just fucked up.  When I tell you what you did wrong so you can avoid it later, don't contradict me.

Yes, I really advised you to get anti-virus:  You look at more Asian ass-porn than a 13 year old that just hit puberty.  Last I checked, starting your computer to 500 pop-ups of "German shit on me" porn wasn't part of the factory configuration.  And no, we won't apologize of Windows Live One Care being a shitty product that didn't make it more than a year.

If you have porn, warn us:  We're not anti-porn or anything.  I do not like to turn on your computer and see the sagging tits of your 50 year old wife on the desktop for all my customers or partake in you sick fuck.  Nor do I want to run across a huge stash of goat fucking videos.

Do not anger the tech:  Remember, we now have your computer and your eternal internet happiness hostage.  If you call every hour asking if the repair job we quoted 3 days to complete is ready, that porn stash you pride yourself on will mysteriously be unrecoverable and it won't get backed up.  The pics of that whore that cheated and dumped you that you can't get over yet will vanish.  I'm fucking warning you.

We will not service your roach motel:  This is one thing I'll never understand.  Do you not find it humiliating that your computer has like 3 families of little critters in it?  What the hell makes you think I'm going to touch that thing.  And yes, I will bill you for pest control to come out if any of these fucking things got loose in my shop.

Your rambling doesn't make me money:  I'm glad that you picked up the new issue of Maximum PC and now you're a fucking expert over my years of experience actually doing this shit.  Really, it excites me.  However, I'm trying to work.  This back and forth exchange of you blabbing about something and me having to correct your every inconsistency is getting old.

Shut up and take my advice:  If you want to play games on this old piece of shit desktop and I tell you that you have to get a bigger power supply to handle that video card you're dick-beating over on the shelf, I fucking mean it.  If you don't get it, I won't install the card as it's just going to blow the thing anyways.  I'm not in the mood to play "told ya so".

Yes sir, I can refuse service to you:  I can, and I will.  And yes, I am very partial when enforcing this rule and will pick and choose what I want to work on.  If you approach me with an Apple product, I will push it out of the way and tell you to get the hell away from me.  I'll probably call you a communist as well.

I'm a tech, not God.  Don't expect miracles:  If everything on your computer is that important, back the shit up.  Yes, things will fail.  Hard drives stop spinning, boards short out, etc.  Most times, I can recover all that worthless crap you keep around after a few hours of work and cursing.  If I can't, well, that's your own damn fault it isn't saved somewhere else.  If computers were perfect, they wouldn't have a warranty, and I wouldn't be doing this job.

Warranty, what?:  You want all your work paid for under warranty, do ya?  Great, call the manufacturer.  Yes, we have a partnership program to do warranty service with them.  No, I don't actually do it.  It makes us no fucking money because manufacturers low ball the hell out of what they pay us.  I have to keep a profit too after paying my employees.  Now piss off.

Asking for my boss means nothing:  I'm the tech, therefore I'm the expert in this particular area.  My boss is only going to reinforce what I've already told you.  Then I'm going to refuse service to you because you've annoyed me.

Don't expect free work/advice:  This is a business.  If you want me to test your machine and tell you what's wrong with it, you're paying for my time.  Period.

Leave us out of your marital problems:  I'm not a P.I., or a divorce attorney.  i have my own issues to deal with.  True story to share.  Lady bring in a hard drive and wants to know what's on it.  She's real sketchy, and has no idea what to look for.  I plug it up, and find it's nothing but a straight Windows install except for Yahoo Messenger.  I call her and advise her, and she asks if we can look at that.  Found an app to read the Yahoo log files from the drive, and it's a mile long log of her husband talking to some whore he has on the side.  She asks me to print it out for her, and I charge her out the ass because of the amount of pages it took.  Turns out he would go in the office, lock the door, and replace the regular hard drive in the family computer with that one with this drive.  Once done with said slut, he put the old hard drive back and hid this one in the closet.  This bitch actually wanted me to testify at her divorce hearing.  Hell no!!  Didn't you think there was a problem when he locked you out of your own damn office when he went on the computer, without having a scavenger hunt for this drive?!?!?!?!

I hate waiting for new gadgets

For those who know me, I change out phones like ho's change clothes.  It's hard to settle on one.  It's finally come to the point that I've decided on the phone I want as I've been forced out of the Blackberry market due to shitty equipment.  The phone I've been eyeballing finally for the patch out to fix the GPS issues, and I couldn't be more excited.  Right?  I'm excited right?

No, I'm not.  My fucking upgrade isn't until 4/1 and I've been staring at this thing online for 2 weeks now since I settled in.

My Blackberry Style is sitting in my office collecting dust.  Daily annoyances of the data connection just dropping off have driven me to the end.  I curse every day using my old HTC Hero which has been doing backup phone duty for some time now because I fat finger everything I type.  Most people I message think I'm fucking high because it's so bad.  Ok, I could have been on some occasions, but not every time.

I finally decided on the Samsung Epic.  Yes, the UI sucks, but I can load up ADW and call it a day.  I know Samsung has that Nexus S out which is a pure Google phone, and it's tempting, but therein lies that fat finger problem again.  A real keypad is a must.  Bye bye Evo too.  Tried that, failed horribly.

In case you're wondering, I'm limited to the Sprint lineup since they're my carrier.  No, I'm not changing carriers.  My price is too damn good on service.

I looked at the Windows 7 phones, but the UI looks like it was done by a retarded 3 year old with one had wedged up his ass.  That option is out.

So yes, Epic it is.

This fucking upgrade date needs to hurry up.  My lacking of typing on the current phone, along with lack of memory to properly suffice all the porn apps I'm partial to installing is driving me nuts.  Can someone get me a fucking time machine please?

End of the month at the office

I fucking hate going to work at the end of the month.  HATE......HATE......in case that wasn't expressed clearly enough.

It's that time where everyone in management decides the best course of action to hit whatever goals the company has set forth, is to run around and freak the fuck out.  Remember, production is a result of panic attacks and anxiety issues.  So says the idiots in the suits who can't manage to wipe their own asses in just 3 steps, but somehow managed to get a job running a department.

Mix in this being the end of the quarter and having to worry about what we're reporting for that, and it's an even bigger party.

There's something I learned in management a long time ago that I think is still true.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  IT DOESN'T MATTER AT THIS POINT!!!!

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.  Constantly pacing the floors, reminding of us stupid details that mean nothing, and annoying me to the point I want to punch you in the uterus so you can't breed more annoyances for me later helps everything.  The stockholders love that.

I just have to remind myself there's only 3 days left.  It might be wise to show up with a tub full of Prozac for them to dig into.  That and I'll hammer back 5 hydrocodone and 3 shots of Jager before I walk in the door.

Monday, March 28, 2011

New show posted "Selling the Virgin for Cash"

Yes, we actually though it's a good idea to sell Kevin's cornhole for cash.  Hey, the economy is tough man.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Guest bloggity!

Amanda from The Technical Support Cubicle! asked me to do a write up for her blog on the AT&T/T-Mobile merger that's out, which I thought would be a good idea as a continuation of the rant I did prior.

It's a new blog that I'm down for supporting so go check out my article by clicking here!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Still grindin.....

Ok so next episode is getting recorded Sunday night to accommodate schedules, and we're still working on booking in guests.  Nice thing about it is we can bring in whoever the fuck we want.  One of these nights we'll have Jay on who is a friend of ours, and we're working on a few special guests.  Can't name any names right now as we're still hammering out shit with some, and others waiting on an agreement.  Definitely happy with the upcoming guests we're working in.

Soon as the next episode is posted up we'll plug it all over twitter and announce on here, so make sure to keep tabs like a pro stalker.

Peace bitches....and thanks to all our fans who keep listening.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

AT&T eats T-Mobile

Well, if you work at T-Mobile, get ready to probably lose your job.  If you're an AT&T customer, welcome to equivalent of waking up the next morning with a bar slut on the other side of the bed and realizing your dick already itches.

Reports are out now that AT&T is looking to buy T-Mobile for about $39 billion in cash and stocks.  That's a pretty good amount of money to drop to buy the bitch of the cellular market.  Let's make something clear though.   This isn't to improve competition, or make for a better customer experience.  When AT&T bought Cingular and claimed left and right you would all get more bars in more places, none of it happened.  Hell half of you can't manage to get your phone to work like a normal phone in major markets.  They also claims it keeps pricing more competitive.  That is pure bullshit.  Being competitive requires competition you dickwads. Pricing in a market NEVER improves when you consolidate all the choices.

Why did they buy it?  Simple....resources and market.  The buyout moves them to owning something close to 70% of the cellular market, and gives them all that 4G network goodness that they couldn't get out there on their own.  And yes, their HSPA+ network is still up for debate of being called 4G like Obama's birth certificate is up for debate of being called legit.  Or hell, in some cases, even existing.....

So here you go T-Mo customers...it's bad enough that you were already on the little company that could service, but now you're getting the clap from the dirtiest whore on the block.  Let us all hope that in the next year of reviews that this gets declined.

Kinda makes ya wonder if they feel like total shit running these commercials, only to get bought out months later.

Best Charlie Sheen pic so far...

Kudos to super awesome porn star Ariana Fox for posting this up.  Truly fucking EPIC!  Hey Ariana...call me!! :D

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The new show schedule

Ok after long hours of negotiations, lawyers, and cheap beer, we broken it down like the NFL labor talks couldn't and settled our new recording schedule that works with our personal lives.

Regular show night will be on Friday, sometime after midnight.  For now, we're just goign to pre-record the show and post it online.  Before too long we should start up the live feed and run it on something like Ustream, JustinTV, or similar.

In some cases we might have to run the show on Thursday night if Kevin's band has a show.  They suck pretty bad, so we don't expect this to be much of a real delay.  He's terrible as a bassist.

Questions or comments?  Drop us a line with the contact link on the left.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Zebra Cake Porn

I still have no idea how this really started, but it's become an ongoing thing on twitter between us, our new friend Jess, and the awesome porn star April O'Neil.  It started from just a love of the striped little devils, into a new #foodporn fetish.

I can't make this shit up, and I know most wouldn't believe me if I just rambled about it.  So here's proof....

Thursday, March 10, 2011


We're still getting this page thrown together, so chill the fuck out!  In the mean time, check out the shows as the downloads are all posted :D

Fire at work (bring the joints and burgers)

So I'm like 30 minutes into shift, sitting on my ass being lazy and plotting to stay unproductive.  The normal routine.  Out of nowhere people start talking about shit is on fire and running to the windows.  I go to see what the fuss is, and the whole back field is lit up.

And no, this is no small fire.  We have a field that stretches from the Acer parking lot, and then across ours and it stretched the whole length.  And for added entertainment, the wind has been kicking back and forth between 10-20 mph all day.  Yes children, it's time for daddy and his friends to make smores and light blunts!

Kudos to the fire department who had to chase this fucking thing all over as the window kept moving it an lighting up random areas.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Insomnia sucks

It's 3:30 in the damn morning and I'm still awake after laying around for hours.


Friday, March 4, 2011

Don't judge me

When I get bored, I make gummi bears have group sex.

Screen shot lulz

This is still one of the funniest fucking tweets I've ever seen in my life, and I'm glad i got a cap of it.  You guys might recognize her from a previous screen shot I got on Twitter located here.  She's gonna scream at me for this....again.

Random rants....

I've come to the conclusion that I have a love hate relationship with the winter season.  I hate summer, because I hate the heat.  That stays pretty simple.  Winter makes me happy.  There's no bugs, and the bill for my air conditioning is cheap.  This I consider to be a win-win.

However, I've been reminded of something I managed to forget this season.....I get sick as fuck non stop.  This being the main reason I haven't posted shit recently.  I have managed to log in a large amount of training hours either on my bed or couch.  In case there was any confusion, bronchitis and pneumonia both really suck.  Mix in food poisoning just for extra effect.  Hooray me.  So finally I think I'm almost over this shit.  I hope anyways.  Still some chest congestion which I'm going to see the doc about today.  The only upside is using a nebulizer that makes me look like I'm hosting a drug party with Charlie Sheen.  Maybe the doc will give me a scrip for tiger blood to get over this shit.

Speaking of Charlie Sheen....he is my new fucking hero.  Any guy who claims he's going to defeat his evil boss because he's a warlock and gifted with tiger blood and Adonis DNA is ok in my book.  Don't hold a man down if he wants to party like a rock star by getting ridiculously coked up and fucking porn stars in the ass.  The Fn Icon declares this as completely acceptable.

Side note.  If someone tells you quitting smoking makes you feel better, punch them in the fucking face.  It's been a week now.  I hate every one of you, and the assholes who try to pep me up by saying that.  I'm going to run over your fucking children.

Oh, found out today some of the articles here and there from Nick and Nanner on Tech are getting linked up on Dolled Up Daily in their tech section.  Kudos to them for using my fine pieces of journalism!  Ok I'm kidding.  I'm no journalist, and all I do is make fun of shit.  But hey, it's free promotion!  The tech section is down towards the bottom of the page.  I need to pay her off to move it up some.

Oh, I also made it on The Collard Sheep for their update this week from #newsfromthecube for this week.  It seems I'm getting a little popular on this here interwebz thingy.

My dog is an idiot

Sent from my BlackBerry®