Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Little rules to follow when you need your computer fixed

This is just a little list of advice I thought I'd share for the next time you take your computer in to get worked on, from a guy who used to stand on the other site of that tech bench.  Following these guidelines will get you better results, and retain our sanity.  No, this list will never be complete....these are just thoughts off the top of my head.

Don't argue with the tech:  Let's get something quite clear first.  I'm the one who knows how to fix all the shit you just fucked up.  When I tell you what you did wrong so you can avoid it later, don't contradict me.

Yes, I really advised you to get anti-virus:  You look at more Asian ass-porn than a 13 year old that just hit puberty.  Last I checked, starting your computer to 500 pop-ups of "German shit on me" porn wasn't part of the factory configuration.  And no, we won't apologize of Windows Live One Care being a shitty product that didn't make it more than a year.

If you have porn, warn us:  We're not anti-porn or anything.  I do not like to turn on your computer and see the sagging tits of your 50 year old wife on the desktop for all my customers or partake in you sick fuck.  Nor do I want to run across a huge stash of goat fucking videos.

Do not anger the tech:  Remember, we now have your computer and your eternal internet happiness hostage.  If you call every hour asking if the repair job we quoted 3 days to complete is ready, that porn stash you pride yourself on will mysteriously be unrecoverable and it won't get backed up.  The pics of that whore that cheated and dumped you that you can't get over yet will vanish.  I'm fucking warning you.

We will not service your roach motel:  This is one thing I'll never understand.  Do you not find it humiliating that your computer has like 3 families of little critters in it?  What the hell makes you think I'm going to touch that thing.  And yes, I will bill you for pest control to come out if any of these fucking things got loose in my shop.

Your rambling doesn't make me money:  I'm glad that you picked up the new issue of Maximum PC and now you're a fucking expert over my years of experience actually doing this shit.  Really, it excites me.  However, I'm trying to work.  This back and forth exchange of you blabbing about something and me having to correct your every inconsistency is getting old.

Shut up and take my advice:  If you want to play games on this old piece of shit desktop and I tell you that you have to get a bigger power supply to handle that video card you're dick-beating over on the shelf, I fucking mean it.  If you don't get it, I won't install the card as it's just going to blow the thing anyways.  I'm not in the mood to play "told ya so".

Yes sir, I can refuse service to you:  I can, and I will.  And yes, I am very partial when enforcing this rule and will pick and choose what I want to work on.  If you approach me with an Apple product, I will push it out of the way and tell you to get the hell away from me.  I'll probably call you a communist as well.

I'm a tech, not God.  Don't expect miracles:  If everything on your computer is that important, back the shit up.  Yes, things will fail.  Hard drives stop spinning, boards short out, etc.  Most times, I can recover all that worthless crap you keep around after a few hours of work and cursing.  If I can't, well, that's your own damn fault it isn't saved somewhere else.  If computers were perfect, they wouldn't have a warranty, and I wouldn't be doing this job.

Warranty, what?:  You want all your work paid for under warranty, do ya?  Great, call the manufacturer.  Yes, we have a partnership program to do warranty service with them.  No, I don't actually do it.  It makes us no fucking money because manufacturers low ball the hell out of what they pay us.  I have to keep a profit too after paying my employees.  Now piss off.

Asking for my boss means nothing:  I'm the tech, therefore I'm the expert in this particular area.  My boss is only going to reinforce what I've already told you.  Then I'm going to refuse service to you because you've annoyed me.

Don't expect free work/advice:  This is a business.  If you want me to test your machine and tell you what's wrong with it, you're paying for my time.  Period.

Leave us out of your marital problems:  I'm not a P.I., or a divorce attorney.  i have my own issues to deal with.  True story to share.  Lady bring in a hard drive and wants to know what's on it.  She's real sketchy, and has no idea what to look for.  I plug it up, and find it's nothing but a straight Windows install except for Yahoo Messenger.  I call her and advise her, and she asks if we can look at that.  Found an app to read the Yahoo log files from the drive, and it's a mile long log of her husband talking to some whore he has on the side.  She asks me to print it out for her, and I charge her out the ass because of the amount of pages it took.  Turns out he would go in the office, lock the door, and replace the regular hard drive in the family computer with that one with this drive.  Once done with said slut, he put the old hard drive back and hid this one in the closet.  This bitch actually wanted me to testify at her divorce hearing.  Hell no!!  Didn't you think there was a problem when he locked you out of your own damn office when he went on the computer, without having a scavenger hunt for this drive?!?!?!?!

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