Saturday, October 27, 2012

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way...

Let me start off by saying my nephew Victor isn't the brightest kid at times, and he tends to learn lessons the hard way of shit he should or shouldn't do.  Two of those lessons being don't lie, and don't steal shit from other people.  But, he's only 7, so you have to allow some wiggle room for total stupidity due to age in those situations.

Stealing shit obviously is bad.  You get in trouble, possibly go to jail, or just get your ass kicked.  He doesn't comprehend the severity of the situation when he does it, and thinks he can talk himself out of trouble.

That leads us to the lying part.  Again, he's only 7, so despite any ideas he may conjure up in that brain of his, 99% of the time it fails horribly.  And yes, it's funny as hell to see a 7 year old try to lie his way out of shit, and when his ADD kicks in he changes his story 2 or 3 times within 5 minutes because he forgot wtf the original story was.  I'm sure he tries valiantly to work up a good exit plan in his head in progress.

He stole a dollar from some kid in the neighborhood.  Instead of hiding it when he got home, he has it out and is questioned on it since no one here gave him said dollar.  He tried as hard as he could to talk his way out of it, but again, consistency is key here.  It started from the kid across the street gave him the dollar to be his friend, then he gave it to him for a completely unknown reason, to he found it in the middle of the street.  Yes, we just went from an actual person gave it to him, to the concrete gave it to him.  To his credit, when he tries to explain all this, you can see the wheels spinning as he tries to adapt on the fly to any inquiry that may come up.  It just doesn't work so well.

So yesterday he comes home from school and my roommate Kevin (Vic's dad) goes to unlock the door and let him in.  As soon as the kid steps foot in the door, he immediately sinks his head down and starts in with "I hate myself for getting in trouble, I hate my life."  Now any normal adult may immediately ask what happened, what's wrong, and other concerning things of that nature.  Me?  No.  I immediately bust out laughing at the sight of a kid doing this.  I could care less what the reason is.

It turns out Kevin was a bit more privy to the circumstances of what occurred earlier in the day leading to this than I was.  It turns out Vic was in the cafeteria at school, and decided to take some bacon off another kids plate.  The kid told him to stop, and Vic kept doing it.  POW!!  The kid punches him right in the face, bloody nose and all.

The kid straight out put the Rihanna to Vic to his ass to defend his pork prize.

I immediately start laughing again while he's standing there head still down and pouting over his defeat.  Kevin is trying not to laugh while watching this scene, so he turns his head away and sees me laughing.  Plan failed, he's laughing too.  Vic is still pouting and looking pathetic.

Circle back to the lying part.  Of course since there's a fight, or punch thrown in this case, Vic is in the principle's office and Kevin is called where he's filled in on the situation.  Now again, being a stupid kid, he can't just tell the truth and quickly get the problem over with.  He tries to work his way out of it, changes the story around a few times because he can't keep track of himself, and screws it all up.  What really clinched his defeat in the middle of his epic story telling is when the principle called him out on the story and reminded him that she can easily pull the video tape of the cafeteria to see what really happened.  Vic gives in, and the truth comes out.  The smoke pouring from his ears from frantic thoughts was all for not.

Vic is still pouting because he got caught and got punched in the face, and I'm crying from laughing so hard.  Vic tends to be a dick at school for reasons I don't always know, but this is the first time a kid actually popped him for being an asshole.

Some people without common sense may think getting punched is a bit drastic, but we are talking about bacon here.  It's the sacred food of foods, and honestly if 4 or 5 kids had kicked his ass I would have overlooked it.

There's two lessons in life that are absolutely critical:
1)  Never fuck another man's woman
2)  Never fuck with another man's bacon