Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Wendy's Can Lick My Nuts and Other Random Shit Today

So after a week or so now of peer pressure and +Cliff Wade's food masturbation sessions on Twitter over this thing, I finally decided to go try out this pretzel bread bacon cheeseburger thing.  If you think about it, taking a bacon cheeseburger and putting it on a pretzel bun is a fucking awesome.  The idea of it was a bit odd at first as I don't eat pretzels that much, but as time went on holy fuck it sounded epic.  

I had to do it today.  I had to get it.  I was like a drunk virgin trying to get my first piece of ass on prom night after I popped 5 Viagra.  It was then that I took my first few bites and realized how fucking cruel life can really be.  A true moment of disgust and disappointment, like when your parents come home early when you're 13 and they find you naked and dry humping the couch....not that I know about that.  Ok maybe I do.  Fuck you don't judge me.

Anyways, it was then that I realized why I stopped eating at Wendy's in the first place.  Their burgers are basically a sponge soaked in grease with a tomato on top.  What could have been some of the most beautiful food porn ever conceived was completely ruined.  And why with a fucking bacon cheeseburger would you ever put something healthy like "spring time lettuce" in it???  It's a fucking burger, not a salad.  I'm not a hippie, and doing that is fucking Communism.

I was now that horny kid who got none on prom night.  I had blue balls so bad it hurt too much to beat off when I got home that night.  My dreams have been ruined.

So anyways, so is life.  I decided to stop by Academy Sports to check out bikes.  I'm starting this whole getting some exercise bullshit everyone keeps talking about, so I figured that's a good start.  I kill the engine, and this fucked up looking crackhead bitch walks up to my car to beg for money so they can drive to Florida.  Really, you go to drive to Florida and don't think about gas costs first?  So this rather portly Mexican lady walks up to me, starts the crying routine to pull sympathy for asking for cash, and she starts to JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LADY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD HOLY SHIT IM GONNA RUN AWAY!!!!!!

I swear to God I'm still pissed I couldn't get a picture of it.  It looks like somebody attacked her head with a paid of clippers and a flowbee.  This bitch had bald spots and patches of hair scattered all over the place.  If she wanted to really get the authentic crackhead look, she fucking MASTERED that shit.

This pic is fairly close, but picture more bald patches randomly assorted in various spots.  Fuck they might actually be related.

Again, I fully intended on getting a picture during her crying/begging moment of fame and all-star acting.  Apparently having a verbal reaction of WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?!?!?!? is not the appropriate response unless you want to watch her run away balling her eyes out.


Oh well.  Back home now, just ate and popped out an update/half ass review and rant about the update for the Android app for Twitter.  Fuck you Twitter for constantly striving to make your app worse and worse.

I want to grab some boobs now.  Photo credit to Colie_Jacks.